Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Modelo Especial Blows!

I just got back from a walk. You know, an evening stroll. Since I don't have a dog to make exercise, I like to give my liver a little work out on my walks. I'm not in complete support of our state's open container laws, but they have a place. Still, I figure if you're discreet, there's no problem. So when I go for a walk, I generally return with a 5-pack. Sometimes only a 3-pack if the store is far enough away. This was one of those nights.

However, I didn't want to return home with any beer! I couldn't exactly polish a whole 6-pack, so I decided to buy individual cans. At the local Circle K, I saw some towering 24oz cans and quickly picked up a couple. Well, one of those was a Modelo Especial. This was my first time drinking one of these beers, and I can assure you it was the least satisfying beer-drinking experience of my life. Modelo Especial Blows!

Now just for a moment, ignore the last two paragraphs. Imagine you haven't tasted the beer and you're oblivious to my conclusions. As you see the can on the shelf, you are captivated by several features and draw your conclusions: 1) the can is emblazoned with golden lions and wheat on ribbons, and shit like that: must be foreign. 2) The can has some them spainish words on it: must be foreign. 3) You can't see the words: Bud, Busch, Miller, or Milwaukee anywhere: must be foreign. 4) big red letters read "Imported Beer": must be foreign.

Now I realize in retrospect that just because something isn't American, doesn't mean it isn't a total piece of shit. Just look my shirt that has an overwhelming paisley design despite a manufacture date in the last 32 years. Or look no further than the white lion-crested can at your local convenience store. According to the can and menus at Mexican restaurants across the country (not to mention my assumptions listed above), this beer comes from non-America. Yet it tastes as terrible as anything we've ever been able to concoct.

I'm not saying this is the worst tasting beer I've had. I can't authoritatively judge the flavor since I'd already been walking (had a few) by the time I picked up this can.

This stuff is the epitome of piss-beer. Kyle once asked me the difference between <insert piss-beer brand here> and having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.

I'd go on to rant some more about how terrible this beer is, but I don't want to waste any more of our time. The bottom line is this: my expectations were for a beer that carried at least a little bit of flavor, not a watered-down corona. I feel disappointed and betrayed. What flavor of Kettle Chips does this beer go with? Lay's, ya inbred sonofabitch!


Mike said...

Mom and Dad must be so proud!

Let's go rafting! said...

Forget Caldera, I am bringing three cases of Modelo Especial on the Grand Canyon!!!

Chedder Beer said...

what a poet!

Let's go rafting! said...

you are a poet and you didn't even realize it!